{"id":90,"date":"2017-02-12T19:27:37","date_gmt":"2017-02-13T00:27:37","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.lipera.com\/kr\/?p=90"},"modified":"2018-11-15T13:48:03","modified_gmt":"2018-11-15T18:48:03","slug":"the-nature-of-bard","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.lipera.com\/kr\/the-nature-of-bard\/","title":{"rendered":"The Nature of Bart"},"content":{"rendered":"

<\/i> Edit<\/span><\/u><\/a><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

\n
\"Pie<\/a>
Pie at the Keister Inn<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

By the luck of the draw Bart was first cousin to Auntie Mabel who operated the Keister Inn.\u00a0 Early on Mabel had hoped that Cousin Bart could manage the dining room of the Inn.\u00a0 Unfortunately, he couldn\u2019t.<\/p>\n

Bart had this weird idea that if your restaurant was full, and you had twenty-five people waiting for tables you should always seat a local dignitary immediately, even if the dignitary did not have a reservation.\u00a0 He considered Mayor Grafft, Torx Torvald, and almost all of the city council to be worthy of this treatment.\u00a0 The customers began to get fed up and they started to go over to Fred\u2019s Motel and Hungarian Restaurant, which made Fred very happy.\u00a0 Auntie Mabel, on the other hand, was somewhat less than amused.<\/p>\n

The grand climax to Bart\u2019s restaurant career came on a Thursday night.\u00a0 The ten foot salad bar over at Fred\u2019s Motel and Hungarian Restaurant was turning out to be a really hot number.\u00a0 Not to be out done, Mabel set up a salad bar, too.\u00a0 The salad bar was off to one side of the dining room and, like the rest of the eatery, was serviced by a ramp, leading down from the kitchen.<\/p>\n

On the Thursday night in question Bart had managed to accidentally create a backup at the hostess\u2019s desk by seating a group of dentists and their wives, visiting from Millers Falls, ahead of everyone else.\u00a0 It was tournament time and the local Keisters Ridge Consolidated Unit 12 Community High School basketball team had just won their round in the state sectionals.\u00a0 This was call for everyone in the community to pin on red and gold ribbons, the school colors, and go out for a time on the town.\u00a0 Lots of them went to the Keister Inn.<\/p>\n

Bart wandered up to the hostess\u2019s desk just in time to see fifteen people decked out in red and gold ribbons loudly squeeze in the door.<\/p>\n

They combined with the other customers to create a traffic jam.\u00a0 The mood of the earlier group had begun to sour when the dentists were led past them.\u00a0 With the arrival of the noisy newcomers they turned downright hostile.<\/p>\n

Faced with a group of people rapidly turning into a mob, Bart as usual, panicked.\u00a0 Suddenly, the waitresses weren\u2019t fast enough, the cashier couldn\u2019t count quickly enough, and the salad bar wasn\u2019t full enough.\u00a0 Bart decided that he could help things along.<\/p>\n

The staff of the Keister Inn thought that he could indeed help speed things up by stepping into the bar and having a couple of gin flips while they took care of the situation.\u00a0 Much to their regret, Bart instead tried to service the salad bar.<\/p>\n

He dashed up the ramp and barged into the kitchen.\u00a0 Moments later the swinging door flew back open as Bart came out and charged down the ramp.\u00a0 Apparently the air was unusually thick that night because Bart seemed to trip on something hard but invisible.\u00a0 The very large bowl of chopped lettuce and shredded red cabbage left his hands and sailed through the air.<\/p>\n

The laws of physics, being what they are, totally control the actions of rotating bodies.\u00a0 Centrifugal force caused Bart\u2019s arms and legs to fly out from his body as he rolled down the ramp.\u00a0 Centrifugal force also caused a shoe to fly off.\u00a0 Gravity caused the shoe to come down to earth, as it were, several feet away.\u00a0 Down to \u201cearth\u201d is not really accurate.\u00a0 Down to \u201cbosom\u201d is much closer to the truth.\u00a0 The J. C. Penney $29.95 special smacked the wife of Mayor Grafft right square in the Tiffany pin, a gift from her brother, which was firmly mounted on the left side of her chest, two inches up from the location of her heart.\u00a0 She took to wearing turtlenecks for several weeks until the considerable bruise went away.\u00a0 Mrs. Grafft was saved from more serous damage because she had just looked up from her French onion soup to follow the flight of the salad bowl.\u00a0 Had she not been looking up the shoe would have tagged her in the eye and necessitated her wearing an eye patch.<\/p>\n

In the meantime, as the bowl\u2019s trajectory carried it over the Grafft table its spin caused it to lose the lettuce and cabbage.\u00a0 The lettuce and cabbage, in turn, flew all over the dining room until gravity caused it, too, to rain down.\u00a0 The atmosphere changed, as did the conversation.\u00a0 The mood became unfriendly.<\/p>\n

Two days later Bart made a down payment on a gas station near the WBFQ Country Music Studios.\u00a0 He was the new owner of Bart\u2019s Richfield Service, \u201cWhere You Can Expect Service With A Smile.\u201d\u00a0 Auntie Mabel had urged him out of the restaurant business with the aide of a meat clever.\u00a0 Nevertheless, Bart couldn\u2019t help popping into the Keister Inn from time to time to offer a bit of his expertise.<\/p>\n

When July finally rolled around Bart had decided that he deserved a little time off.\u00a0 So, he packed his bags and hung a sign on the pumps indicating that he\u2019d be back in about ten days.\u00a0 Off he went to visit his sister.\u00a0 Lucy lived in the Big City.\u00a0 Bart had never gone there visit her before.\u00a0 He expected the Big City to be a place of surprises, which it did turn out to be.<\/p>\n

On the third day of his visit Bart decided to go out on his own and see what he could see.\u00a0 After a couple of hours he had gotten himself thoroughly lost and was beginning to feel the first pangs of thirst.<\/p>\n

The Big City was no place for a country boy like Bart.\u00a0 But, Bart did not know that.\u00a0 In Keisters Ridge the bus station is right there on Main Street.\u00a0 When Bart found himself standing under a neon sign looking at a poster telling of the adventures of Trailways Bus Travel he thought that he was finally getting to know the Big City.<\/p>\n

Across the street was the Axton Hotel.\u00a0 It looked pretty lively so Bart went on over.\u00a0 Inside he found a place that was beyond his wildest dreams.\u00a0 The hotel had six bars and three restaurants.\u00a0 One was called the Gay \u201990s Palace and was done up in red velvet flocked wall paper with green foil trim.\u00a0 Another was a bar decked out like a Wild West saloon.\u00a0 But, Bart decided to go into the imitation Parisian sidewalk cafe.<\/p>\n

As he sat there sipping a lemonade he began to notice the customers.\u00a0 And they began to notice him.\u00a0 Apparently his dress didn\u2019t fit in.\u00a0 He seemed to stand out.\u00a0 At first Bart couldn\u2019t figure out why.\u00a0 He was wearing his Harrah\u2019s slacks, his white Arrow shirt, and his famous $29.95 J. C. Penney\u2019s shoes.\u00a0 Could it be that he wasn\u2019t wearing Levis like almost everyone else?\u00a0 He decided, it was something other than that.<\/p>\n

Then he saw it.\u00a0 Hats!\u00a0 Almost every man in the room had a hat, and he did not.\u00a0 For instance, the tall blonde fellow with the pink silk shirt and black satin pants had a hat.\u00a0 So did the fellow with no socks and an ankle bracelet.\u00a0 Even the short bald man in the patent leather shoes had a hat.\u00a0 So that was it!\u00a0 To be \u201cin\u201d in the Big City you had to have a hat!<\/p>\n

Of all the hats in the place, Bart\u2019s favorite was worn by a woman.\u00a0 She was very good looking.\u00a0 The hat was the type worn by cowboys, except that it had blinking LEDs across the front.\u00a0 What Bart didn\u2019t know was that the woman\u2019s name was Bernard.<\/p>\n

The effects of the lemonade were making themselves known, so Bart got up and started exploring around in search of a men\u2019s room.\u00a0 After some hunting he found it.\u00a0 By luck this particular men\u2019s room was also the pride and joy of the Axton Hotel.\u00a0 When Bart walked through the set of brass plated doors he was stunned by what he saw.\u00a0 It was as if he had died and gone to interior decorator\u2019s heaven.\u00a0 Some people would have said it was the other place.<\/p>\n

The stalls all made of pink marble.\u00a0 The fixtures were polished chrome, and mirrors lined the walls on which the sinks were mounted.\u00a0 The Grecian mosaic floor was a sight to behold.\u00a0 But what really caught Bart\u2019s eye was in an ante room.<\/p>\n

In that other, smaller, room was a rock garden.\u00a0 It went from the floor to the ceiling and was decorated with waterfalls, colored lights, and imitation Roman Statues.\u00a0 Ferns grew from between the rocks.\u00a0 Two or three men stood there, doing what needed to be done.<\/p>\n

Bart was astounded.\u00a0 He simply stared.\u00a0 It was the gall\u2011darndest thing he had ever seen.\u00a0 He came around when the last of the gentlemen turned to leave.\u00a0 Then Bart himself stepped up to the rock garden.\u00a0 As yet he had not seen the best part of all.\u00a0 When Bart moved to the edge of the gravel he broke a beam of light running to an electric eye.\u00a0 This caused a timer to start.\u00a0 After fifteen seconds the show piece was activated.<\/p>\n

As Bart stood there, a motion caught his eye.\u00a0 He watched in amazement as a small statue came to life.\u00a0 A figure, about twelve inches high, of Fidel Castro turned towards him.\u00a0 The figure\u2019s mouth dropped open and the eyes lit up red.\u00a0 The meaning of all this was not lost on Bart.\u00a0 The image of Fidel Castro burned into his brain.<\/p>\n

He had finally found it!\u00a0 A restroom that made a political statement!<\/p>\n

When Bart got back to Keisters Ridge he carried with him the memory of the Axton Hotel and its wonderful lavatory.\u00a0 Wherever he looked, little Castros popped into his head.\u00a0 Of course he told some of the locals about it, but they thought the Big City had gotten to him and that he had dreamed it all.\u00a0 The only person who believed Bart was Big John Johnson, the Country King, at WBFQ Beautiful Country Music.\u00a0 The Big City was Big John\u2019s hometown, and he had actually been to the Axton Hotel.\u00a0 He had seen the fabulous rock garden.\u00a0 But, Big John had learned early on that some things are best not talked about in Keisters Ridge.<\/p>\n

Still, the image stayed with Bart.<\/p>\n

Auntie Mabel had decided that the Keister Inn could do with a little remodeling.\u00a0 She thought that some nice vinyl covered paneling with a pine\u2011like grain would look good in the bar.\u00a0 The men\u2019s restroom also needed fixing after one of the stalls exploded.\u00a0 She was told that it had something to do with excess methane backed up from the new waste treatment plant.<\/p>\n

Anyway, the time had come to do some work.\u00a0 But, remodeling costs bucks and Mabel was prudent.\u00a0 When Bart offered to help out she decided to let him have a go at it.\u00a0 After all, remodeling was a lot different than managing.<\/p>\n

In fact, the whole job went incredibly well.\u00a0 Bart and his friend, Laszlo the Hippie, had the paneling up in record time.\u00a0 Auntie Mabel didn\u2019t even have to close down the bar.\u00a0 The two new electric soup tureens for the salad bar went in without a hitch.\u00a0 The only problem was that Bart had said the water would have to be turned completely off while the restroom was re\u2011done.<\/p>\n

That Mabel did not like one little bit.\u00a0 But Bart explained that it was a necessary evil.\u00a0 Besides, he said, she was working too hard.\u00a0 For once Mabel agreed with him.\u00a0 So she too packed her bags and went off to visit Bart\u2019s sister in the Big City.<\/p>\n

This meant that Bart had to work fast.\u00a0 He\u2019d been planning this for weeks, but, he figured that with the help of Laszlo the Hippie he could be done in four days.\u00a0 It would be a tight race, yet he was willing to risk it.\u00a0 If his scheme paid off he thought the could double the business of the Keister Inn and make it famous in a three county area.\u00a0 Besides, it would prove to Mabel that he wasn\u2019t as inept as she thought.<\/p>\n

Four nights and four days Bart and Laszlo slaved away.\u00a0 They didn\u2019t have time to truly rest, so they took catnaps while waiting for glue or plaster to set up.\u00a0 By Sunday they were finished.\u00a0 Mabel came home by the 7:15 pm bus and when Bart greeted her, she said that the trip had done her plenty of good.<\/p>\n

The plan was to reopen for the Monday lunch trade.\u00a0 With the rush of preparations and the excitement Mabel had not bothered to look at the men\u2019s restroom, relying on Bart\u2019s word that it was \u201cA\u2011OK.\u201d<\/p>\n

The lunch crowd was in a good humor.\u00a0 The gang from WBFQ Beautiful Country Music was all there. \u00a0The secretaries from the bank were out for their weekly lunch, and even Fred from Fred\u2019s Motel and Hungarian Restaurant had dropped by for some chicken drumettes.<\/p>\n

The ruckus started when Big John Johnson, the Country King, went into the men\u2019s room.\u00a0 People at a nearby table heard a muffled \u201cGood God!\u201d from within.<\/p>\n

Big John came out and returned to his table.\u00a0 He seemed slightly dazed.\u00a0 In a minute the news director from WBFQ got up from the table and went into the restroom.\u00a0 There was a very loud gasp.\u00a0 Then he came out looking a little like he had walked into a bear trap by mistake.<\/p>\n

Soon everybody was going into the men\u2019s room.\u00a0 And not just men, either.\u00a0 Even the secretaries from the bank were lined up to go in.\u00a0 Auntie Mabel knew some thing was up\u2011 all the waitresses had disappeared.\u00a0 She went looking for the source of the problem.<\/p>\n

What she found was sixty\u2011five people trying to peer into the men\u2019s lavatory.\u00a0 In fact, nearly everyone crowded around the doors.\u00a0 The others were either at their tables or staggering around the dining room laughing, crying, or saying things like, \u201cOh, my, oh, my,\u201d or \u201cWell, I\u2019ll be hog tied and feather dusted.\u201d<\/p>\n

Mabel pushed her way to the front of the line and squeezed through the door.\u00a0 Seconds later a hush came over the crowd and all eyes turned to the restroom.\u00a0 From within there came a long drawn out scream.\u00a0 Then the doors burst open and Auntie Mabel stepped out.\u00a0 The crowd parted.<\/p>\n

Auntie Mabel usually looked a bit like a 1932 Packard, at least from the front.\u00a0 This time she more closely resembled a cross between a Sherman tank and a rabid rattlesnake.\u00a0 She smashed her way into the kitchen and exploded back out through the doors.\u00a0 She flew down the ramp past the salad bar and the two new electric soup tureens.\u00a0 With her pastry rolling pin in her left hand (it was made from the finest Italian marble) and her twelve inch chef\u2019s knife in the other she made her way to the street smashing into tables and innocent bystanders alike.<\/p>\n

Once on the sidewalk she drew a bead on her cousin Bart\u2019s Richfield Service Station, Where You Can Expect Service With A Smile, lowered her head, and charged.\u00a0 Pedestrians thought the world was coming to an end as she advanced.\u00a0 Folks could feel the ground shake, and some thought it was a cattle stampede.<\/p>\n

When Auntie Mabel got to Bart\u2019s Richfield Service Station she found it empty.\u00a0 It was just as well, it made it much easier for her to do the remodeling job she had in mind.\u00a0 Also, it was much healthier for Bart, who had seen her coming and decided to leave town on a fishing trip.<\/p>\n

The remodeled men\u2019s restroom at the Keister Inn did attract a lot of business, but not the one hundred percent increase that Bart had hoped for.\u00a0 People were fascinated by the pink and blue floodlights and the dark blue foil wallpaper with the pastel salmon stripes.\u00a0 The Neo\u2011Classical statues were interesting, especially the one of Pan with nymphs that squirted water and was meant to be a sink.\u00a0 Even the rock garden, a real Axton Hotel touch, was complimented.\u00a0 Mabel grew to like the goldfish, once she got used to the fact that they swam around inside a transparent mermaid.\u00a0 In fact, Auntie Mabel decided to keep the whole thing.\u00a0 It did attract business, and besides it would have cost a fortune to rip out.<\/p>\n

However, she decided that the three\u2011foot high talking statue of Sadam Husain definitely had to go.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

<\/i> Edit<\/u><\/a><\/p>\n

\"Pie<\/a>Pie at the Keister Inn <\/p>\n

By the luck of the draw Bart was first cousin to Auntie Mabel who operated the Keister \u2026<\/p>\n

Continue reading<\/i><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[6],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-90","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-bart"],"yoast_head":"\nThe Nature of Bart - Welcome to Keisters Ridge<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/www.lipera.com\/kr\/the-nature-of-bard\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"The Nature of Bart - Welcome to Keisters Ridge\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"Edit Pie at the Keister Inn By the luck of the draw Bart was first cousin to Auntie Mabel who operated the Keister \u2026 Continue reading\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:url\" content=\"https:\/\/www.lipera.com\/kr\/the-nature-of-bard\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:site_name\" content=\"Welcome to Keisters Ridge\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:published_time\" content=\"2017-02-13T00:27:37+00:00\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:modified_time\" content=\"2018-11-15T18:48:03+00:00\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:image\" content=\"http:\/\/www.lipera.com\/kr\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/04\/SHOOFLY-300x240.jpg\" \/>\n<meta name=\"author\" content=\"RogerKR\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:label1\" content=\"Written by\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data1\" content=\"RogerKR\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:label2\" content=\"Est. reading time\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data2\" content=\"14 minutes\" \/>\n<script type=\"application\/ld+json\" class=\"yoast-schema-graph\">{\"@context\":\"https:\\\/\\\/schema.org\",\"@graph\":[{\"@type\":\"Article\",\"@id\":\"https:\\\/\\\/www.lipera.com\\\/kr\\\/the-nature-of-bard\\\/#article\",\"isPartOf\":{\"@id\":\"https:\\\/\\\/www.lipera.com\\\/kr\\\/the-nature-of-bard\\\/\"},\"author\":{\"name\":\"RogerKR\",\"@id\":\"https:\\\/\\\/www.lipera.com\\\/kr\\\/#\\\/schema\\\/person\\\/d1884a2fa4e8d183b81bb20b9cc74d63\"},\"headline\":\"The Nature of Bart\",\"datePublished\":\"2017-02-13T00:27:37+00:00\",\"dateModified\":\"2018-11-15T18:48:03+00:00\",\"mainEntityOfPage\":{\"@id\":\"https:\\\/\\\/www.lipera.com\\\/kr\\\/the-nature-of-bard\\\/\"},\"wordCount\":2815,\"image\":{\"@id\":\"https:\\\/\\\/www.lipera.com\\\/kr\\\/the-nature-of-bard\\\/#primaryimage\"},\"thumbnailUrl\":\"http:\\\/\\\/www.lipera.com\\\/kr\\\/wp-content\\\/uploads\\\/2016\\\/04\\\/SHOOFLY-300x240.jpg\",\"articleSection\":[\"Bart\"],\"inLanguage\":\"en-US\"},{\"@type\":\"WebPage\",\"@id\":\"https:\\\/\\\/www.lipera.com\\\/kr\\\/the-nature-of-bard\\\/\",\"url\":\"https:\\\/\\\/www.lipera.com\\\/kr\\\/the-nature-of-bard\\\/\",\"name\":\"The Nature of Bart - 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