The name of the town was Millers Falls, and it was located on the banks of a small stream called Salt Creek.\u00a0 It was not very large, but had a fair number of permanent houses and the usual run of stores and shops.\u00a0 It was a center of commerce for a large section of prairie land that was dotted with farms.\u00a0 The people who lived on those farms came to Millers Falls once every two weeks or so to stock up on supplies, catch up on the latest gossip, and to see to other various human needs.<\/p>\n
There was a doctor in Millers Falls, and he shared an office and surgery with the town dentist.\u00a0 Millers Falls also had eight saloons, four churches, two undertakers and two lawyers.\u00a0 The lawyer to undertaker ratio was just about right.<\/p>\n
The two lawyers were partners, of sorts.\u00a0 They were a father and son team.\u00a0 The firm of Keister & Son was a thriving law firm.\u00a0 Being the only two lawyers in a ninety mile radius helped.\u00a0 They handled the usual range of property transactions, suits over who owned what pig, and the occasional criminal defense.<\/p>\n
One day well over a hundred years ago tragedy struck the firm of Keister & Son.\u00a0 The elder Keister met an untimely death at the hands of a dissatisfied client.\u00a0 The perpetrator had retained Longren Keister to defend him in a court action.\u00a0 It seems that one of the man’s bulls had escaped and made his was to the barnyard of a neighbor where said bull made merry with one of said neighbor’s prize cows.\u00a0 The cow was apparently suffering from the bovine equivilent of a headache and was not in the mooood, so to speak, and the bull injured the cow as a result.\u00a0 The neighbor thereby lost a chance to sell the prize cow at a handsome profit at the county fair and decided to sue the socks off of the owner of said bull.<\/p>\n
The court case did not go well and the bull’s owner was ordered to pay damages to his neighbor to the tune of an amount that he did not feel was quite fair.\u00a0 Especially because he did not have enough cash on hand to make restitution.\u00a0 He did have enough cash, however, to go to one of the eight saloons and have more drinks than\u00a0 was prudent under the circumstances.\u00a0 It was as the man left the saloon and was stumbling his way towards home that the somewhat insensitive Longren Keister elected to bring up the subject of legal fees.<\/p>\n
In the hullabaloo that followed the client ran to his wagon and pulled a twelve gauge shotgun from under the seat.\u00a0 Longren beat a hasty retreat into the hardware store as the buckshot flew.\u00a0 In trying to make his escape out the back door of the hardware store he crashed into a keg of nails which caused him to tumble into a track mounted ladder, the kind that leaned against the packed shelves of the store.\u00a0 The ladder rolled down its track, tumbled over and smashed a glass case containing the latest in hand tools.\u00a0 A shard of glass flew across the room and imbeded itself in Keister’s neck.\u00a0 Longren Keister fell to the floor,\u00a0 rolling in agony and loose nails.\u00a0 With the glass stuck in his neck, he staggered to his feet.\u00a0 He reached up with his right hand felt the blood, fainted, and fell back into several two\u2011man rip saws which had been leaning on end in a corner.\u00a0 He scratched the back of his left hand on the saw’s sharp teeth.<\/p>\n
The scratches became infected and he died two weeks later from lock\u2011jaw.\u00a0 At sixty\u2011two years of age, Longren Keister passed on the family heritage to his son, Joshua, who promptly brought suit against the owner of the bull, who had fired the shotgun.\u00a0 Joshua claimed that he had caused the death of the elder Keister by way of “criminal mischief”, but the man got off.\u00a0 By and large, the jury had not liked Longren Keister anyway.\u00a0 Keister & Son was never considered to be a totally reputable law firm, but, as folks came to say a hundred years later, they were the only ball game in town.<\/p>\n
Now as we all know it is the sometimes less than honest men that become the most successful.\u00a0 So it is with Josh Keister.\u00a0\u00a0 Longren had over the years invested in a number of enterprises in the hopes of becoming wealthy.\u00a0 To a degree, he prospered.\u00a0 But he never seemed to have enough.\u00a0 The elder Keister was one of those individuals who measured his success in terms of money amassed.\u00a0 His self satisfaction rose with the balance in his bank account.<\/p>\n
At one occasion, Longren Keister was asked to represent the owner of a small distillery in a civil action.\u00a0 He was successful, and demanded his rightful payment.\u00a0 Unfortunately, the client did not have the funds to pay up.\u00a0 This was a common problem in pioneer America.\u00a0 The distiller offered a barrel of his best spirits in trade.<\/p>\n
Keister was more than willing to accept the offering, even though he himself was a teetotaler and did not ever touch so much as a single drop of liquor.\u00a0 He figured that he could resell the whisky at a handsome price to one of the various traders who periodically floated their way down Salt Creek.\u00a0 Using an old trick, he intended to “doctor” the barrels of spirits using pepper.\u00a0 The pepper would give the whisky an additional “kick” and thus give the illusion of being somewhat more intoxicating than it actually was.\u00a0 Frontier whisky was prized more for its kick that its smoothness.<\/p>\n
Unfortunately, Keister & Sons was in the employ of the First Methodist Church of Millers Falls.\u00a0 The church was in the process of consolidating some real estate parcels that had been left to it by various congregation members who had passed on in recent months.\u00a0 Keister was afraid that if word got out that he had taken payment for a case in alcholic beverages his sanctimonious clients would become very upset.\u00a0 Not sure he was willing to deal with upset Methodists, he came up with a plan.<\/p>\n
He worked a deal with the distiller whereby he was to receive a royalty of 5% on every barrel of whisky sold for a period of two years. This allowed the distiller to pay off his debt over a period of time based directly on his profits or lack thereof.\u00a0 It also meant that Keister would have a small income should the lawyering business go dry, as might be the case if suddenly everybody were to obey all laws.<\/p>\n
The beauty of the plan was that it was kept confidential.<\/p>\n
In the meantime, the previously mentioned Methodist Church was causing a bit of a stir in Millers Falls.\u00a0 The new pastor was pretty fair at arithmetic, and one afternoon had gone out to do some counting on the streets.\u00a0 In one block of the small town he counted five men clearly the worse for drink.\u00a0 And, to make matters worse, he discovered that saloons outnumbered churches two to one.\u00a0 The Reverend Barton was distressed, to say the least.<\/p>\n
The next Sunday he announced from the pulpit that he was starting a crusade to rid the town of derelicts and to close its bars.\u00a0 He also explained, in a high pitched voice, that any God\u2011fearing sinner who wished to enter the Pearly Gates to Everlasting something\u2011or\u2011other would do well to follow him.\u00a0 He painted pictures of drunken men lounging their lives away in saloons, while their wives and children went begging in the streets of Millers Falls.<\/p>\n
Even though up to that date not one wife or child had ever begged in town, Reverand Barton’s dismal portrayal of what the future held affected the more faint of heart.\u00a0 The next week he again preached his anti\u2011alcoholic message.\u00a0 After church on the third Sunday a committee was formed to deal with the problem.<\/p>\n
Meeting in the homes of one of the committee members every Sunday evening, the Methodists Against the Evils of Alcohol planned their strategies.\u00a0 They easily identified the various saloons in town.\u00a0 That was certainly no problem. \u00a0But, they focused on MacDougal’s Distilling Works as the primary source of the spirits in town.\u00a0 They decided to run MacDougal’s out of Millers Falls.<\/p>\n
This was easier said than done.\u00a0 The Methodists Against the Evils of Alchohol did not have enough power to fight the saloon owners, who wanted MacDougal’s to stick around. The members of M. A. E. A. decided to contact other churches to see about joining forces.\u00a0 Already the other local clergy had noticed how the Reverand Barton’s sermons were increasing attendance on Sundays, so they were more that willing to sponser comittees of their own.\u00a0 Thus, came to being the Presbyterians Against Social Sin, the Lutherans for A Better Life, and the Baptists for Spiritual Purity.\u00a0 When it was pointed out that the B. S. P. sounded like it stood for better distilling methods, they changed their name to the Baptists for Abstention.<\/p>\n
The various groups formed a multi\u2011congregational organization called Christians Against Alcohol.\u00a0 The local Catholics were not involved because the Protestants were afraid of Latinization and Papist influence.\u00a0 The Goldberg family was excluded for obvious reasons.<\/p>\n
As the months went by it became apparent that the C. A. A. was getting nowhere against the saloon owners.\u00a0 The owners steadfastly refused to close down.\u00a0 One night after a particulalry emotional meeting several members of the Lutherans for A Better Life were seen to go into the Golden Slipper for refreshment.\u00a0 It was at this point that the groups realized that they had some very fundemental problems that had to be overcome.<\/p>\n
As with many organizations, there is often a radical minority who espouse strong sanction and even violent action. \u00a0So it was with the C. A. A.\u00a0 Some members had been quietly suggesting that the best way to get MacDougal’s out of Millers Falls was to arrange for an accidental fire to destroy the still.\u00a0 Longren Keister had just finished a meeting with Reverand Barton concerning the sale of some property when he overheard some men discussing a plan to destroy the distillery.<\/p>\n
Longren stopped dead in his tracks when struck by the thought of his little extra income going up in radical smoke.\u00a0 He hid around a corner and listened to the plans.\u00a0 The plotters were scheduled to strike on the evening when there was to be no moon.\u00a0 Keister had only three days to do something.<\/p>\n
Longren did not like the idea of anyone tampering with his income.\u00a0 He was a crusty buzzard with a heart of lead.\u00a0 He conferred with MacDougal and they decided that when the group of Christians attacked they would be ready.<\/p>\n
Three nights later when not a stitch of moon was in the sky, and when the autumn air hung chill and damp, the black corners of Millers Falls appeared to move with the shapes of men.\u00a0 The dark forms creeped towards the site of the MacDougal still.\u00a0 The yard around the barn containing the still was empty.\u00a0 The place was quiet.\u00a0 Slowly they sneaked closer to the windows.\u00a0 Already some of them were spreading kerosene around the base of the walls.<\/p>\n
About this time one of the mob’s members made an important discovery.\u00a0 Creeping past the back door he checked the latch, and much to his surprise he found it unlocked.\u00a0 Hoping to discover some booty for the after arson celebration, he decided to investigate.\u00a0 But, behold, the structure was empty!<\/p>\n
Keister and MacDougal had sneaked the still and related equipment out of town over a period of several days, leaving nothing but an empty building.\u00a0 They set up shop on top of a small hill about fifteen miles upstream from Millers Falls on land that Keister owned.\u00a0 From this location they manufactured their whisky and continued to sell it in town.\u00a0\u00a0 This did not really satisfy the church folk, but they quieted down somewhat once the devil’s own machine was gone from the city limits.<\/p>\n
A short time after that, Longren Keister got wind of a rumor that the railroad was going to build a line right through that area.\u00a0 It was pretty obvious that Millers Falls was the place to pass through.\u00a0 Logically the railroad would want to run the line into the town.\u00a0 The same people who wanted to burn the still wanted to build a railroad station.<\/p>\n
Keister had other plans.<\/p>\n
The first thing that he did was to send a letter to the vice president of the railroad.\u00a0 He explained that he was platting out a town and that the proposed settlement would be adjacent to good land with a creek nearby.\u00a0 He described it as being a veritable paradise, just waiting for a prudent investor.<\/p>\n
Keister had a surveyer lay out lots and streets.\u00a0 The whole community was registered with the state and Keisters Ridge was born.\u00a0 In the meantime the lots were sold to a group of eastern investers.\u00a0 Using that money Keister, bought more land, and sold that.\u00a0 Before long he had a town that was owned by Eastern types who had never traveled farther west than Pittsburgh.<\/p>\n
Needless to say, when the railroad announced that it would build its line through Keisters Ridge, land values tripled, the Easterners’ sold their land to eager buyers looking to cash in on the railroad.\u00a0 Keister made money by handling all the transactions and by selling additional land nearby.\u00a0 Longren Keister, the founding father of Keisters Ridge, was very rich.<\/p>\n
Within fifty years, however, the line proved unprofitable and the railroad shut down its operations, except for the occasional freight train to the local grain elevator.\u00a0 By this time, Keister was long gone and buried.\u00a0 He was imortalized in the ‘fifties when the Founder’s Day Committee planted a statue near the abandoned train station.\u00a0 The statue is of a cantaloupe.<\/p>\n
Legend has it that when it came time to name the town, Longren Keister and MacDougal were standing around, waiting for inspiration, trying to think of a name.\u00a0 A farmer with a cart load of cantaloupes was passing by, and stopped to shoot the breeze with the two men.\u00a0 The three of them tried the name Middletown, except the site wasn’t in the middle of anything.\u00a0 Likewise Grandville was out.\u00a0 MacDougal liked New Glasgow, but Keister put the kabosh on that one.<\/p>\n
Finally, Longren said, “What the hell.”<\/p>\n
With the immortal words, “Let’s call it Keisters Ridge.\u00a0 It ain’t got no ridge, but its got a Keister.”\u00a0 He snatched a cantaloupe from the back of the cart, split it in half, and poured the juice on the ground as he shouted, “Skoal!”<\/p>\n
Thus, Keisters Ridge was born.<\/p>\n
The offical history portrays Keister as being a visionary.\u00a0 A few, mostly older descendants of clients he diddled, know otherwise.\u00a0 But, they are considered obstructionists and have learned that some legends are best left uncorrected.<\/p>\n
Millers Falls continued a slow and steady growth, always behind Keisters Ridge until the 1890s\u00a0 when hard times hit along with the stock market crash.\u00a0 The economy was rough,\u00a0 and\u00a0 the railroad pulled out.\u00a0\u00a0 Keisters Ridge started to wither.\u00a0 Millers Falls grew larger and eventually became county seat.<\/p>\n
This explains a great deal of the inter\u2011town rivalry.<\/p>\n
Secure in the self delusion that legend provides, Keisters Ridge has remained much the same as always.\u00a0 The statue of the cantaloupe is generally ignored by the citizens except around Founder’s Day each year.\u00a0 The visitors from out of town like it.\u00a0 They consider it a fitting contrast to the monuments in their own cities.\u00a0 The thought that a cantaloupe is to Keisters Ridge is what the statue of Liberty is to New York is staggering, but fairly accurate.<\/p>\n
Longren Keister lacked a sense of historical perspective.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
The name of the town was Millers Falls, and it was located on the banks of a small stream called Salt Creek.\u00a0 It was not very large, but had a fair number of permanent houses and the usual run of stores and shops.\u00a0 It was a center of commerce for \u2026<\/p>\n