Bart’s Richfield Service Scene of Stampede
By Lloyd Lindstrom
Tribune & Bugle Crime Reporter
Pigs Poached from Ott’s Farm & Feed
KEISTERS RIDGE — Tragedy struck today as the result of criminal activity in Keisters Ridge. Police reported that thieves broke into the pig enclosure at Malcom Ott’s Farm and Feed last night. The swine rustlers apparently were intent upon pinching the porkers for later sale in the hog-goods black market.
The criminals cut a lock on the gate of the pig’s pen and backed a truck up to the opening. The crooks then loaded the pigs into the truck and drove away. Apparently, the thieves’ truck broke down near Bart’s Richfield Service Station and Car Wash. Police surmise that the criminals did not want their truck load of porkers to be discovered and decided to hide them in the nearby car wash. The business was closed for the night.
Sadly, the crooks never returned to pick up the pigs. Employees of Bart=s arrived early this morning and started the car wash without first checking inside. The sudden activation of the car washing machinery startled the pigs, all of which promptly went on an uncontrollable rampage.
The stampeding pigs crashed through the closed wash bay doors and stormed down Main Street Keisters Ridge. Early morning motorists had to dodge the porcine herd as the animals charged toward the center of town. Two drivers were forced off the road, and one car crashed into the dumpster at the Keisters Ridge Drive-In. The motorist was not hurt, and the damage to the dumpster was minor.
The pigs were finally corralled on the square in front of the Keisters Ridge City hall by members of the police department and the basketball team from the Keisters Ridge Consolidated Community High School who happened to be returning from a pre-class training run.
No pigs were physically injured in the incident. However, examining veterinarians from the Millers Falls Community College Animal Husbandry Department reported that most of the pigs suffered severe psychological shock.
The pigs were originally intended for a joint venture between the Forest Service, the Central State Wilderness Guide Association, and Malcom Ott’s Farm and Feed.
The pigs were meant to be trained as pack pigs, replacing mules in the forests. Mules have been determined to damage the forest floor in heavily traveled areas. Pigs, on the other hand, are relatively light-footed. Malcom Ott and Bart, of Bart=s Richfield Service and Car Wash, have already made overtures to a manufacturer of custom fabric products for the purchase of several pig saddle bags.
Unfortunately, according to the chief examining veterinarian, Dr. Wilber McDowell, the psychological damage is a sort of post traumatic stress syndrome. Dr. McDowell does not feel that the pigs can recover satisfactorily enough allow them to be used for public transportation
When asked by this reporter about the porker’s prognosis, Dr. McDowell replied, “Well, it is my professional judgment that these pigs will require years of therapy. They’re all victims, you know.”